get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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