First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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