Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
