She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
