Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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