Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
