hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My ATM looks so different sober.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
