I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
