I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
