Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
