your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
