so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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