Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
