tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
