I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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