Your tits are I can't wait for
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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