Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
