dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Ketchup is God's man juice
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
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