we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
