You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
