So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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