On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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