The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
