I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
