just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
