she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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