When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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