I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
