Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
