a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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