last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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