dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
