Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
