I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
