smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize