i dedicated my morning wood to you.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
