Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
