you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
