apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
