Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
