I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize