OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
