I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize