There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize