There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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