So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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