you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
