I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
