Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
