I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Randomize