Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
