she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
