I showed him my bush... on skype.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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