As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
