Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
