Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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