Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
