mondays should just be called national damage control day
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Can I color on your dick again?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
