Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
