He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
